Let me tell you about Santa Claus.
He's not the stern old man looking over his 'naughty or nice'
list that feeble parents threaten their kids with.
And he's not the befuddled fool that's so stuffed full of
the cookies and milk left for him that he needs to be 'saved'
by Jaclyn Smith in some dumb TV Movie.
Keeping in mind that I'm related to the one true Santa and actually
paid my dues as one of his Shopping Mall helpers, you can trust me
that the REAL Santa Claus is just as I captured him here.
He is a spry and mischievious old elf who tip-toes silently around
your house and hides the car keys after drinking all of the whiskey.
He gives cheese to your dog knowing full-well that it makes
her fart because dogs love cheese and he's a prankster who
loves the gift that keeps on giving, especially when it backfires.
Santa winks at the girls because he knows all of their secrets,
since they sat on his lap and told him everything, year after year.
And if you can bring yourself to truly believe in him and his special brand of magic, you'll be much better off.